So the Saga Begins

So there, I wrote that poem while I was still in high school. Senior year I believe. I wrote it to be published in the literary magazine alongside a few others. That was a pivotal moment in my life and it turned my direction of lost and confused teenager to somewhat responsible (or least learning to be responsible) adult. To understand the path of my decisions and the path that lead me to such a dramatic life incident, I suppose we must understand what lead me there. What life experiences drug me to that point, that at the time, was so traumatic that even now there is some vague evidence of the pain I caused.

High school for me was a traumatic experience. It was horrifying actually. Very little happened over that four year span to ever make me say, "hey, I liked school, it was pretty cool." I realize that the majority of the world didn't like high school either, so just to make myself clear...I H A T E D H I G H S C H O O L !!!! Aside from the fact that I was an awkward teenager who was considered ugly by the general population and had a style all my own that most people thought I was completely bizarre, I had personal issues that eventually sunk so deep that I almost lost myself in thoughts. Biggest problem, self esteem - attributed to the boys in my life who fucked it up.

The briefest way to go through this I suppose would be like this:
Freshman Year
Jon Mathews: We "dated" as much as two kids with no car and who live with their parents can "date." I had known him since middle school and developed a crush right before the summer going into 9th grade. Somehow we ended up as boyfriend/girlfriend. We were pretty crazy about each other. We would always write me notes about his life, and about how things at home weren't so good for him. He used to write how one day he could see himself being married to me and having kids. I know that sounds insane, but I've been looking for Mr. Right since I was 6, so I typically was a magnet for clingy people because I would cling right back. Things broke down when one day he leaned in to kiss me and I saw a hair on his lips, so I turned my cheek just a teensy bit so I wouldn't get it stuck on me. Well apparently it bothered him, so he did what all dumb boys do...consulted his even dumber friend. He and his friend wrote each other during a class they had together, by passing a note between them. Basically the conversation was along the lines of his friend's advice being that we should have sex and if I wasn't down to do so, then he should dump me and forget about me. Jon was uncomfortable asking for sex, so he asked why I turned my cheek to kiss him. Regardless of my explanation, he eventually pulled the sex card, and I basically said it wasn't going to happen. That was the end. Just like that. What did Raven learn? That Momma was right when she said all boys just want sex. But I also realized I knew how to stand up for what I wanted, even though most of my answer was generated from the fear of getting pregnant.

That was a hard one to swallow. I was crazy about him at one time, but as you'll come to know, I am always putting my heart out there, getting it stepped on, then trying again. More will come of the Jon story, cuz everyone knows that when you truly are crazy about someone, its never that easy to end it.